a cheater

My girlfriend is so perfect. I have so many competitors from her. I am a possessive boyfriend. The funny thing is that I’m a cheater but I don’t want her to cheat. I’m stupid, aren’t I?

We are already in our 3rd year of relationship. She stayed even if sometimes she knew that I’m cheating. I can see her crying silently after a long night of argument. And after that balik ulit sa sweetness. Never kong tinanong kung napapagod na ba s’ya.

Kahit may mga babae akong pinupuntahan sa ibang araw, siya pa rin yung inuuwian ko. Ako siguro yung tinatawag na loyal nga, ‘di naman faithful. I can date other girls from day and stay with her at night. I can kiss her after kissing another woman. Pero kahit na ganyan, lagi ko pa rin nakikita ‘yung mga ngiti niya pagkatapos ng pang-gagago ko.

That’s why maybe our relationship lasted because she’s the only one who can withstand my madness and stupidity. And I greatly recuse myself for a mistake which has caused my ruin.

“Buntis ako Daniel! Panagutan mo ‘ko! H-hindi pwedeng ako lang yung mag-isang sasalo ng bunga ng mga ginawa natin..”, I rubbed my palm on my face out of confusion and shock. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, nakabuntis ako ng babaeng kinama ko lang ng isang gabi. I’m an asshole but I’m not a fool to not take responsibility for it. Anak ko ito kaya dapat akong mag-paka-ama.

Umuwi ako ng balisa, thinking how will I go to tell my girlfriend about this. I don’t want to lose her but it’s my fault. I don’t deserve her.

“Hi Love! How’s your day? I have a surprise for you!” nakangiting bungad ng aking nobya. Nanatili akong seryoso, pero hindi ko na nakayanan. “Nakabuntis ako Elyse… ang gago ko, sobrang gago ko.”, I said crying. I knelt down in front of her so I won’t see the pain in her eyes.

“how could you.. how could you do this to me? I-I did everything just to understand you and hoped that you can still change but what did you do?”, she cried silently while saying those words calmly. I kept saying sorry like it would change a thing but I know it won’t.

“I’m… I’m happy for the both of you. I hope you will be a good father for your child. I’m happy that you’ll take responsibility for it. But it can’t change the fact that you hurt me a lot, Love. Let’s now separate ways, it’s for the good and also for your child. Please forget me, we must grow, but not together. Let’s learn from our mistakes. I love you.”

That was her last words before we separated ways and never met again. Pinanagutan ko ang anak ko. I worked hard to provide for her needs and to my wife. Yes, we got married for the sake of our child. Tinanggap ko na ito ang aking naging parusa sa mga naging kasalanan ko. Ang matali sa taong hindi ko naman talaga mahal. Pero kalaunan, natutunan ko na din naman siyang mahalin, but not that strong like the real ones. I can’t explain it but I learned to love her because she is the mother of our child.

Mahal na mahal ko ang anak ko. Kahit gaano ako kagago at katanga, binigyan ako ng isang biyaya na nakapagpabago ng buhay ko. I worked hard for her, she studied in a prestigious university and worked in a good company. She is successful now, and I can say I didn’t fail to be a father for her.

But for those sleepless nights, all I can think is her. My the one that got away. Nag-paubaya s’ya. There I realized how much I loved her and how I regretted losing her from my embrace. I deserved it. I deserved the pain I suffered from day to night. Kase alam kong mas nasaktan ko s’ya.

But one night changed the course of my life.

We had a college reunion that time in that restaurant. There I saw her, with her cousins. I can’t help but to stare at her gorgeous face. She’s still so beautiful. I can’t ignore the strong beating of my heart that only she can do. So I took the chance that we would have a closure after that event.

Pero ang tanging nakausap ko ay ang kanyang mga pinsan. They approached me when my ex is gone.

“Alam mo bang may anak kayong dalawa ng pinsan ko?”

That question gave a loud bang in my chest. All this time, I don’t know that we had a child? Na pinanagutan ko ang babaeng nabuntis ko without me knowing na may anak ako sa babaeng mahal ko? Na nagpaubaya s’ya kahit alam niyang buntis s’ya?

I approached her alone after the event. Takot at kinakabahan man, inalis ko ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko para malaman ang katotohanan.

“D-do we have a child?” nanginginig kong tanong habang nakatingin sa malungkot niyang mata. She sighed. And closed her eyes to stop the tears to stream down her face but she failed. Nakangiti siya ng tumango.

“Yes, we have. She’s successful now. I raised her alone because I don’t want to be hurt even more. I don’t want your child to see your mistakes or to think that she is also a mistake.”, umiling ako habang patuloy na umiiyak.

“bakit hindi mo sa’kin sinabi Elyse? Bakit mo inako lahat? Bakit—“ she cut me with those painful words, really painful that I don’t even know if it would heal.

“Sinubukan kong sabihin Daniel! Sinubukan ko pero naunahan mo na ako sa balitang may anak ka rin sa iba. Sinubukan kong ipakilala sa’yo pero hindi ko magawa kasi nakikita ko kung gaano mo kamahal yung anak mo. Ayokong makasira ng pamilya, ayokong makasakit. Kasi nasaktan na rin ako… ayokong gawin sa iba ang naranasan ko na.”

“Mas gusto ko na lang magpaubaya, mas pipiliin kong ako na lang yung masaktan kaysa sa anak mo. Mas gusto kong ako lang yung mapagod. Masaya na ako… masaya na kami. Sana masaya ka na rin. You’re a great dad, but not with my child. I don’t want to hurt her. I’ll protect her ‘cause you already failed to protect my heart. I will give you this closure, again, for the good. We grow Daniel, we grow apart. This is my goodbye.”

She said sadly while leaving me losing my sanity thinking that this is really my punishment for everything I’ve done. I realized that cheating is not just a small mistake that can be corrected after a sorry. Cheating is an addictive drug to do but eventually, you will regret it as well. Cheating in a relationship, not only causes pain but loss of trust, and fear of loving again.

 

You should also learn from my mistakes.

Zyrilleee

DLSU