Hello, USF. I would like to share my story here. I hope you can see and post it.

This is for the man I am with for 5 years, I knew you can’t read this because you are not a fan of something like this and plus the fact that you are busy, I think.

We’ve been together for 5 years. Five years of compromising our time to spend for each other, five years of asking if you really wants me to be by your side in the nearest future, five years of letting go and coming back.

I planned the future in a way that you would like it, yes. I planned because you are busy with your work. However, not a single time you asked me about it. You knew me, diba? I won’t speak my mind especially with that matter unless you first talk about it but it never happened. It’s okay, I understand.

For a woman staying in a relationship which we both knew that direction has nowhere to be seen and a man who only makes me doubt if I am enough or maybe no is not something I want to tolerate but still… I did.

I know I have a lot of insufficiencies because I am doubting to give you all because you are not sure with me, perhaps. I just wanted to be at peace that I was with someone who is willingly ready to walk in rocky roads but no, you didn’t give me that.

What’s the matter?

Sana nung alam mo na na hindi ako yung babaeng gusto mong makasama, you let me go. You are just diving into pool of hard time at sinama mo pa ‘ko. Imagine, you were having a hard time while I was having a hard time and heartache.

You should let me go when I wanted to leave, you should not told me na you will always be there for me because you knew I’ll come back, right?

Everytime I came back, you should not accept me and pushed me away because you are a man of uncertainty. You should not contacted me when we didn’t talk for how many months.

All this time, I was foolish to believed you are just uncertain of what we have and what we are having in future. We are standing at the edges of the bridge and it is all me who wants us to meet at the middle. I took a step so we could be closer.

I am willing to take all the steps so the distance between us can be shorten. I don’t want any gap when it comes to you, darling. I look at you, I knew you hesitated to take a step forward. That time, I want to run towards you but I couldn’t.

I don’t want us to be closer and closer while you were having a hard time to walk towards me. I want you to made the choice where you can be happy. If that happiness wasn’t me, it’s okay. I just wanted you to make decision that time.

Finally, from uncertainties to being decided. Salamat, salamat dahil for five years you being uncertain you finally decided what to do and that is to turned your back on me, left me there hanging.

For once, I was happy with the choice you made. I want you to let me go if you can’t see me in your future because it will cause both of us pain for the rest of our lives but I had no idea it is this painful. So painful.

After nine months, I just received a news that you are with someone else preparing for a wedding. All I can think is that you don’t need 5 years to be certain because it is what you have and how she turned you a certain man within a months.

I think she is the one you are looking for. It hurts me still because from that time I doubted myself what if the next man I will love will be uncertain because of me. I don’t think I can love anyone. I am really afraid of hurting them because I was tied by the thoughts of me being not enough to be with.

For 5 years of being with you, am I really with you? For 5 years where was I? Are you really mine for that five years?

Nextweek, I’ll fly to L.A but before that I’ll come to HongKong at Victoria Peak – a place where we wants to go for our 6 years.

Thankfully, i stopped counting. Happy wedding! When we cross path in the future and you see me, please don’t smile at me that’s my only wish and please kahit ito nalang matupad mo.

Congratulations!

Sailwithher
2021
Psychologist